So I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. Like I have no direction in life, no real roots anywhere, no familiarity with this new place I’ve been calling home since the end of December. Not surprising I guess, since a large portion of every week is spent in a different state altogether. It’s not really that though. While I was always aware that this move to Chicago was a bold, potentially risky step, it is also completely in alignment with what makes me..well..me. The ambition, the drive to succeed, the will to conquer everything I set my mind to, is as much a part of me as my very soul. And technically speaking, my life has never been more stable. Yet I am a little muddled in my thoughts, and lack clarity when it comes to what my next steps in life are. I’ve felt that uneasiness for a little while now but haven’t really been able to put a finger on an actual issue. It’s like my gut has been quietly poking at me to sit up and take notice, but I’ve frankly just been too caught up with busting my butt at an extremely challenging job, or struggling to balance a crazy travel schedule, or dealing with the wonderful familial pressures of being a 27..almost 28-year old unmarried Indian girl (don’t even get me started there).
It wasn’t until just today, as I sat in absolute silence, watching the Chicago rain and drinking some soothing tea that I actually had a chance to think about what I’m feeling. I don’t ever really get a chance to sit by myself and contemplate anymore. Day-to-day life is too hectic, too busy, too demanding on what little alone time I used to enjoy. I realized I’ve given up two extremely important activities that have always acted as incredible healers of my mind, body and soul: yoga, and dance. And I realized I’ve been making excuses for why I can’t pursue both anymore. The excuses are pretty legit – I travel Mon-Thurs and am beyond exhausted at the end of each work day to the point where I just fall into bed – but I need to work harder to fit in some yoga time if I can. Especially since I know it’s absolutely worth it. I’ve never been happier, healthier, or calmer than when I was practicing. Dance will be a little more difficult, but surely not impossible.
The point is, not making any excuses for doing what it takes to take care of myself. I look around and see other people religiously working out or following their passions and I tend to brush it off thinking “They have the time. They don’t spend 80% of their week in another state.” I can’t keep doing that. I know what I’m like without yoga and dance. I’m a shell of my real self. A robot, going through the required activities of the day and nothing more. And I know I’m not as happy as I could be. It’s time to spend more time taking care of myself.